


And I keep on bleeding

by Gracefanfics



Series: All the damage this family has caused (in the name of love) [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Family Issues, Growing Up, Hurt No Comfort, Jealousy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 10:27:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20673875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gracefanfics/pseuds/Gracefanfics
Summary: Izzy was okay if she wasnt her parents favorite because she was alecs (right?)





	And I keep on bleeding

**Author's Note:**

> Not edited 
> 
> I'm not sure about this. I didnt know how to separate izzy growing up and alec so I feel like it mostly focuses on their relationship. And because as far as I know izzy has never talked about what it felt like to grow up for her. 
> 
> Combines book and tv canon.

Izzys ten when she finds out that her father is cheating on their mother. She can feel something shatter deep within her. She remembers the day before spinning in circles (in their private rooms she's not an idiot thanks jace) with her arms spread wide. "Shadowhunters only fall in love once! And one day! I'm going to be in love with a handsome man who is definitely not better than me in fighting. Just like mama and papa!" 

"That's just a myth" jace argued. Jace always argued with her. He was so annoying. Having a sibling that she hadn't grown up with that was the same age as her was the weirdest thing she ever experienced. "Love doesn't exists like that. My dad taught me so. " 

Izzy rolled her eyes. Jace mysterious dead dad had taught Jace a lot. Like a lot a lot. He taught Jace how to fight. Like for real how to fight and just pretend like how alec and their tutors taught her. Jace was the best fighter but izzy was never going to admit that because she was going to be the best shadowhunter of their generation. Not Jace. She forced herself to keep up with Jace no matter what. Jace in turn argued with everything she said. They were meant to be siblings. Soul siblings. 

Jace got special exemptions from the rules from their parents. Which didn't make izzy hot with rage at all. Jace hadn't done anything to earn being their parents favorite. And he was the favorite. He hadn't even been part of their family for a year yet! Alec said it was because his parents what Jace to know that he was a part of the family. "We've had are whole lives with our parents. We know were family. Jace has only been here a few months. He doesn't know like we do. " he said. Which made sense. Izzy guessed...if she didn't think about it too hard because alec said they had their parents their whole lives but izzy doesn't actually remember that much about their parents. Yeah they've always been there but it was alec that read to stories and alec who she went to if she had bad dreams (demons in her closet wasn't irrational they fought demons it could happen ) it was alec who banaged her scrapes and covered for her when she broke the ruled by sneaking sweets and practice with real weapons. Alec who kissed her cuts better even though that was for babies and Isabella wasn't a baby. 

"But only In private izzy" alec told her every time. "We can't do this in front of others. Especially not mom and dad. They're think you're weak. And you'll be punished if they think that." 

It was alec that taught her you couldn't just say the clave was stupid. (Even though they totally were. They had rules against books! And fun! They hated fun!! They were stupid!! ) but you couldn't say that. According to alec because the clave would hear about it (they had spied everywhere) and they would label her a traitor and derune her. Which Izzy knew was worse than dying. 

It was okay, Izzy told herself over and over and over that Jace was her parents favorite because she was alec's favorite. Which was so much better. 

"Love isn't a myth." Alec said gently. Boldly. (Agreeing with her because she was alec's favorite see) Alec was izzys hero. He wasn't afraid of anything. Last week he had flirted with a vampire! In front of their parents! Alec was so cool. 

"I love you both." Alec continued "do you believe me?" 

How was that only yesterday it seems years and years ago now. She doesn't remember what she said to her dad. She'll always remember the sight of him with someone that's not mom. But she doesn't remember what she says but he finds her the next day and talks a bunch but she can't really hear him. She's been hiding all day. He gives her a present. It's a beautiful blue dress that she's wanted forever. Izzys smart. She understands what's she's brought about by accepting this present. Dad gives her whatever she wants and she never tells mom. That's the deal. 

'Thank you daddy" she says beaming up at him. Alec says she always needs to be polite which is funny because alecs never polite. But she doesn't want to keep talking to her dad right now so she's polite. "I love it" she wants to destroy it. 

Later she sees her mom. Her mom still thinks daddy loves her. Shadowhunters only love once. Her mom loves her dad still. The guilt is so heavy amongst all the sharp stabbing shatter pieces in her that it freezes her in the spot she's standing. Her mom barely even glances at her as she sweeps past. Doesn't brush a hand across her shoulders or head like she would for alec or Jace. Does Not acknowledge her at all. Her father's words ringing in her head, floating around her. 

"It'll be out secret pumpkin. Just ours" she can feel the ghost of his hug on her skin still hours later. The sharp and all consuming hate for everything takes her by surprise. She runs to find alec. Hes with Jace. Sparing 

"I don't know where she could be" 

"Izzy can take care of herself stop worrying and actually give me a challenge for once would you" 

"Oh are we kicking Jace's butt?" Izzy asks. Plastering a smile on her face. She wants to scream. 

When Izzy is 11 her mom stumbles into her room. So off balance that Izzy's worried she's hurt and she wants to call for alec. Her mother sits next to her, and Izzy can see she's crying and that she smells and honestly the look on her face Izzy is worried her moms going to hurt her. She never has before but well she's seen some of alec punishments. Not that he ever talks about it behind different versions of that's what happens when you make mistakes Izzy. Why do you think I cover for you and Jace so much. But her mom doesn't do anything that she's worried about, instead she clutches her to her chest in a way Izzy can't remember her ever doing. Ever and starts ranting about how stupid men are. 

Izzy sits and listens to the horrors spilling out of her mother's mouth for hours. Sits for more after she leaves before quietly slipping into alecs room. Hes awake as soon as she opens the door of course. He always is. Izzy doesnt realize shes shaking until alecs holding her. He doesn't say anything. Neither does she. 

It's in those still hours that Izzy decides that she's never going to let anyone touch her (body or soul) and that she'll kill anyone who does. None of what her mother said will happen to her. Most of all she's never going to fall in love ever. Look where it got her mother? 

Before she was going to be the best because she could be, she knew it and otherwise it'd be Jace and Izzy can never allow that ever. now? Now Izzys going to be the best because otherwise there might be someone that touches her that she cant kill. But if she's the best then? Well that won't be an issue ever. 

She has the thought dozens of times over the next couple months. Mom knows now. It doesn't have to be a secret. (It'll be just our secret pumpkin. Something just for the two of us) she could tell alec and Jace. She could tell alec why she came into his room that one night. (She's not a baby she knows she isn't supposed to do that anymore. But the only person who's ever caught her is Jace and he was doing the same thing so he's never going to rat her out because she'll do the same to him) she could ...but then she thinks about alec and his friendly chatter at everyone and the quiet way he says I love you both. Do you believe me? And she keeps her mouth shut. 

Alec is soft. He believes in love and romance and true love that lasts forever. Just because something broken in her doesn't mean she has to break him too. Alec always protects her but alecs heart is soft so now it's her turn to protect him. And if she wants to keep it a secret from alec than Jace can never know. Ever. Izzy forces the thought from her mind. Paints on a smile. And pretends like the best of them. Finally something she learned from her parents and not alec. Alec can't pretend worth anything he's a horrible liar. 

Her father keeps giving her gifts and hugs and says "just the two of us pumpkin" 

Her mother pretends she doesn't know. Pretends she isn't getting drunk regularly. 

Izzy Watches and learns how to do it better. Izzy pretends she's just the same as she was almost two years ago, dancing in circles boosting about true love. 

Izzys 12 when her brother comes back from meeting with their parents (not a punishment) crying. He slams his door and locks himself in and not even Jace can get it opened. Izzy resolves to sit there all night if she has too. She gives up 4 hours in. Tries not feel like she's failing alec when she leaves. Izzys 12 when he brother yells at her for the first time. She doesn't know what to do. Alec has never yelled at her. Has never ever told her no. Told her not right now plenty of times but never no. 

See her and Jace have lessons together all day long every day. Even though they totally have their runes now! And are really shadowhunters now. So 3 times a week they skip to go practice with real weapons. And spar. Where alec covers for them and tends to any scrapes they get. He still kisses them better. Because he's a complete dork and soft like that. Izzy would never tell him to stop and to stop being a baby. So she lets him think she still needs her big brother to kiss her scrapes better. She knows what an irzte is alec. 

But alec snap at her and at Jace and tells them no. Tells them to stop being irresponsible and annoying and to go to class already. They skip class and lock themselves in an unused guest room to have a secret meeting to decide if alecs been possessed by a demon or not. (It's still just as possible as the demon in her closet. They're real and they're at war with them anything's possible) they don't get punished for skipping so alec still covered for them even when he told them no. So they cross possessed off the list. 

Alec tells them no a lot now. It's like that or scolding them for being irresponsible is the only thing he knows how to say these days. Izzy can't help but wonder if alec knows. It's not fair she thinks I didn't take it out of Jace or alec. Broken or not alec shouldn't do it to them. But no when she tried to hint at it alec doesn't know anything. Izzy doesn't know what's wrong but she knows something is wrong. 

Alec stops kissing her and Jace scrapes away. Stops hanging out with them even when he is with them, he always has some sort of report or book in front of him these days. He snaps at them with increasing cruelty if they interrupt him. She doesn't understand why this is happening and she can feel something slipping from her grasp. Something precious and whole and the only warmth burning within her, she's clinging to it with her fingertips and her teeth. And shes never going to let go. She doesn't know why alecs acting this way but she knows the timing happened perfectly with the arrival of their newest brother (an itty bitty thing izzy loves so dearly her insides hurt) she tries not to blame the baby for the change in alec. She hates them both. She misses her brother. 

When Izzy is 13 she causes a seen in the ops room, in front of every single shadowhunter. Izzy thinks with a hysterical laugh that she's been hurtling towards this disaster all her life. She was always meant to be an embarrassment to her family. It's why her parents ignored her except for when she exhorted her dad into giving her things and sweet meaningless words. It had to be. After All There was a reason for everything. 

Izzy felt like the only time she saw her brother was when they went on their nightly patrol with their mandatory guide. As if they needed one. Izzy had been doing this since she had first gotten her runes 2 years ago. Jace had done this basically his whole life and she kept up with Jace just fine. Plus they had alec watching their backs. Everyone whispered about how shameful and weak it was that alec had never killed a demon not even an itty bitty minor one. But that wasn't true alec weakened the demon so izzy and Jace could kill it. He never spoke up about how it was his kill too. Izzy tried not to feel guilty about boasting about how she had killed it shut up Jace! It was easy and fun to get lost in bickering with Jace and for alec to quietly interrupt, saying both of you killed the demon but here I'll keep score okay? That way it'll be fair. 

So she's feeling raw because she never see alec outside of patrol now and she misses him. And alec is brushing her off and dad just gave her newest gift (medicine books. She shoved into her closet so she doesn't burn those too. Sometimes she's not strong enough to resist the urge to destroy the bribes. But she actually really really wants these.) And alec spent time with Jace talked with Jace talked with her parents even more than Jace and a week ago she, in desperation because she refuses to let go of the brother that was soft and played with her and never told her no and talked to her, tried to get him to kiss a cut better. And he did. But not before sighing and rolling his eyes and letting know (with his actions never ever by his words alec would never say it to her but it doesn't mean it's not true) what a bother and what a baby he thought she was. 

she throws a nearby shadowhunters tablet at his head. Doesn't even realize she's done it until its hitting alec in the head. Does Not realize until alecs staring at her in confusion and hurt and he's bleeding because izzy threw it at full strength and the glass had broken against her brothers head and the entire room is silent. She watches in mute horror as alec slowly lifts his hand to wipe away some of the blood before she whirls and runs out of the room. Which leads her to here. Laughing hysterically because she's broken and a monster because she hurt alec who has done nothing but care for her. (So what if hes been snapping at her lately she has been acting like a baby she deserves it). She always knew something was broken inside of her. She had always known. Always.

Its hours before alec comes to see her. Jace stopped by but only so he could stare and her judging from the door for ten minutes before she shrieked and threw something at him too. But that was different. She and Jace always threw stuff at each other. In that time izzy managed to calm herself down. And came to the decision that she can never shame her family, herself like that ever again. She's going to be the best. She's never going to be bothered by anything ever again. She broken inside. 

Alec knocks on her door and izzy feels extra bad when she sees he made dinner for her. Her favorite. But then she remembers she's never going to be bothered ever again. 

"Hows your face?" She asks as cheerfully as she can pretend. She's great at pretend. 

Alec stars at her judgingly for a minute before sighing and closing the door. Izzy refuses to feel bad. She's sick of feeling bad. So she's not going to do it anymore. 

"Iz" alec sighs her name "What's going on? What's wrong?" And suddenly Izzy can't pretend. She screams for what feels like hours, k vows she apologizes a thousand times, of ores how she crys. It all just comes pouring out of her. Alec holds her listens like he did when they were both still kids. And at the end. Izzy finds her shaking once again. She almost starts to laugh again. But alec's words peirce through all of her madness. 

"I'm sorry" he tells her speaking in that strange serious and broken way he does now, like the words are broken glass that cut him horrifically every time he speaks. She misses his bold sass of their childhood, laughter floating on every word. She misses it so much it hurts more than anything she's felt since her mother came into her room to tell her about the evils of men. 

"I'm sorry" alec repeats. "When max was born and dad left for business " (business HA that's a good one) "mom asked me to help out more with the institute so she could look after max. I haven't figured out how to do training and lessons and patrol and give people twice my age orders that they'll actually listen to. I'm sorry I haven't been spending time with you. I know it's not fair to you" 

Oh. now I zzy feels bad and so very tired. Shed been being a jerk to alec but alec was just trying to help mom out and he was exhausted of course he was snapping..

Something's broken in me. Something deep inside. It's broken. She almost says the word aloud. Bill tr es them back just in time, alec had enough on his plate right now. 

"Well of course you haven't " she responds, playfully tossing her hair into alec's face "you haven't asked me how to. Between the two of us who has more experience bossing who around?" 

Alec laughed (the first Isabella had heard in months. It was so rare now.) "You?"

"Damn straight. Next time just ask me idiot. " 

"Don't curse it's not polite" alec responded immediately, like he always did. 

"You're not my mom" izzy responded in kind. And instead of the sassy response izzy expected alec had a complicated painful look on his face. 

"I kinda am" 

Izzy was 13 when she realized that her brother. Who was only two years older than her, had raised her more than her parents ever had. They raised alec though. They are raising max. It's just me they dont want. There's something broken in me. 

Izzy pushed him off her bed. "Shut up" she told him alec grabbed her ankle and pulled her down too, tickling her until she laughed and laughed and laughed. 

"Hey" alec said quietly "I love you" 

"I love you too" 

They Were going to be alright right? They were going to be fine. Everything would go back to normal now. Alec still loved her. She was still alecs favorite. Nothing could be breaking because it had broken when she was 10. So nothing could be breaking deep inside her again. It had never been repaired. 

Everything did go back to normal. The new normal that Izzy hated. The normal where alec barely spoke and always told them no or rolled his eyes and sighed so hard that Izzy knew he wanted to say no but thought she'd be easier to deal with if he just gave her what she wanted. 

Izzy was 14 when jace and alec become parabatai. Izzy was happy for them really and truly.she pretended that the hate she felt for the world didn't start to include them. Favorite child 1 and 2. Destined to shine bright together forever something dark hissed in her mind. They were always going to leave you behind. 

Izzy was 14 when she stole from her parents for the first time. She took a considerable amount of money and went to the nearest mundane store. She spent all day there trying on the clothes she thought they would hate the most. The most revealing. The most outrageous. They would hate it . And they had to know the money was missing. When she got back it was time for patrol. Izzy was almost sloppy in her work she was so excited. Shed wear one of her new outfits to breakfast (and since dad had gotten back in town they were having nice pretend family meals. Pretending they all loved each other . pretending that this was a fairytale. ) her parents would actually see her outfit. It was perfect. Izzy couldn't wait for the screaming to start. Alec wouldn't be able to schedule her from this. He couldn't take this from her. 

Her parents weren't at Breakfast the next day. Max was sick alec explained later. It was alec who looked up from making their breakfast and frowned and said, "what are you wearing? Where did you even get that?" 

'You like?" Izzh railed for him. "I love it." 

"It's not appropriate izzy" 

'Why not? " she pretended to be dumb in this moment "jace wears a leather jacket and his dumb leather pants. Are you saying I can't wear leather alec? That's sexist " 

"Yah alec" jace joined in "that's sexist " 

Alec was still frowning. Not that he did anything else these days. "You need to change before training," he said. 

"Spoilsport...fine mom I'll change" izzy teased him. She changed into the skimpiest, sluttiest thing she had bought. 

"This is definitely worse" alec told her horror plain on his face and voice "please go put on real clothes" 

"I burned all my old clothes. I just wasn't feeling them anymore. This is more me" izzy lied easily. Alec's horror didn't matter. Izzys own discomfort didn't matter. Shed get use to it. Because nothing bothered her. Nothing. 

Izzy was 14 when their guide finally finally left them alone. 

Izzy was 14 when she ditched patrol for the first time and snuck into a club. There she let anyone buy her a drink. let anyone dance and touch her. Izzy was 14 the first she had sex. Afterwards when her entire body hurt and she was sick from too much alcohol and whatever else she had taken the night before she tried to forget the man that was way to old for her and how he made her skin crawl. 

"It's fun" she told alec as he held her back.  
"It's fun "she told jace "you should come with me"  
It was fun she told herself a thousand times. Until she didn't and it was fun. 

Her parents never said anything about it. Not even when she showed up to a family dinner high one a fairy drug and covered in glitter and fairy dust. (one of their last. Not that it was really a family dinner with how alec was literally never there. He's always disappearing these days. Izzy tries not to judge, afterall she disappears a lot too. But she doesnt think alec is having fun , does not actually think alec can have fun it's like against his DNA or something) they still play fairy tale family even when it always ends with more and dad shouting. But never at all. They never talk to her. That would mean they'd actually have to care about her or something. And izzy has known for a long time that broken thing within her prevented that from ever happening. 

Izzys 14 and her baby brother is sick and he's not getting better and her older brother is never there anymore and her parents have never told her they love her. Izzy goes out and has more fun. She doesn't bother to hide it. She's still the best shadowhunter of her generation. Besides it just a little fun. Jace comes with her. 

Izzys fifteen and her family moved to spain without her. Alec stops disappearing. He stands a little taller now. She tries not to resent that their parents love him. It's nor his fault he's the favorite child. They fall into a rhythm. The 3 of them. They go on patrol and afterwards Jace and izzy go and party. They manage to drag alec with them (literally drag) once a month. Alec frowns and questions the string of men she has fun with (she can barely even feel how her skin crawls and something says wrong wrong wrong. There's nothing wrong she's having fun and she likes their attention). Questions how she's dressed. Never questions her skill. and in return she subtly teases the idea that alecs just jealous because he wants the men she's with. (One does not jet be a gay shadowhunter alec teaches her that at 14 too. She knows now that all the genuine interest their dad had in alecs life was subtle digs to keep that gay shit under lock and key. She's still resentful that the attention was there though. She knows she's a broken, hatful thing. She tucks it deep away where alec will never see it ever. She loves her brother) 

Izzy is 15 and anyone who talks badly about her family ends up her sparring partner until they end up bloody and in the infirmary. Nobody tells alec so she keeps doing it. Izzys 15 and shes hiding how her fingers itch to build, create, and how she wants to understand everything. Her stack of college textbooks carefully hidden under the bed because admitting that she loves this stuff would be admitting that she cared about the future, that she cared about anything at all. 

Shes 16 and sometimes her brother even talks to her beyond the teasing and missions. He's been making actual jokes this year. Izzy holds onto her hope that someday her soft hearted brother will be okay. She knows that such a future is too late for her. Afterall She's a broken thing. That's okay though. Theres freedom in never giving a shit. Izzy loves it, she cant remember a time when she hated it. As she tells alec this is just who she is, she likes having fun and killing demons. What's the problem with that?


End file.
